Untitled for now

I am the gentler sex with more wrath than you ever hope to know.
I have no idea what I want but know that I want it all.
I want you to rescue me but know that I could handle it myself.
I want the door opened for me as we head to the same job.
I want you to help me fix my car but tell me how to do it myself for the next time when you’re not around.
I want you to hold me when I cry but still see me as the strong persona I hide behind.
I want love but don’t want the risks,
To be valued without being objectified.
I want you to read my mind while I stay mysterious.
I want you to know my secrets from just a look and I want to know yours without needing to ask all the questions.
To be close to you but still have my space.
I want to be perfect in your mind but when I fall, for you to catch me set me upright again and still see me as perfect.
I want to be able to talk and talk and talk and to be able to sit in silence without being questioned.
I want you to want to know everything without interrogating.
I want to be heard without saying a word.

Could not ask for more.

Well, it's been about 3 weeks again... I wish I could say I won't make excuses, but I'm about to. I have been so caught up in moving forward that I didn't write about it. But tonight, I just need to get it out somewhere. I started a new poem that will probably never be seen after reading some truly amazing work by a friend. But here is my revelation for today: I feel like I have been given a gift, a second chance. As I stayed in my sweats today with a t-shirt stained by hair dye (it looks a little like blood I'll admit) and my hair all a mess, I realized it just didn't matter. I didn't want to fix a real dinner so I had Cheez-its. Not healthy, but it was just me and I didn't have to worry about it. I have people who love me so unbelievably much no matter what. I have found unconditional acceptance and love, which granted I had all along, but I just didn't see all the blessings I've been surrounded with. I still have my moments but I just feel light hearted I guess is the word? I found an apartment and will be moving into it next weekend so I'm busy packing. My house is in complete disarray. My mind is all over the place with school and work and sorting out the details of moving. But I just have peace. The quiet of my house is something I treasure and I cannot wait to move into my very own place all by myself. Of course, I'll have help and I must thank my awesome Grandmama for co-signing, but I am doing this for myself. I have people who are proud of me and who tell me daily that they love me. I think going home for Thanksgiving was a wake-up call. I was much more relaxed and at ease than I've been in so long. It just felt right. Life gets so complicated sometimes and I just forgot to take a second to breathe and see all the wonderful gifts I've been given. There is so much beauty and joy in my life and it's been here all along but I have been so caught up in negativity that I couldn't let myself take it in. What a big mess this all is and I'm sure no one will want to read it but all I really want to say is that I am blessed and I am finally realizing the magnitude of the opportunities and wonderful gifts I have been given.

I hope that everyone has a super, fantastic, great day.
Mandiy

I Got a Brand New Attitude and I'm Wearin It Tonight

"It's not how many times you fall down, but how many times you get back up."
Well, life knocked me on my you know what again. But, here I am, back up on my feet once more. But really all life is is the ups and downs. The plateaus are no better than the valleys or the peaks. I am renewing my determination once more. I got my hair done how I've wanted for a while now and feel the changes working their way through me. My foot is healing so I will be exercising again (it was never a valid excuse). The weather is gorgeous so I will just have to take the dog walking in the mornings before work. Or walk on days I don't work (which is so many at this point)and find inside exercises on the days I do. I have let myself slide into not a depression, but rather a numb state. I don't want to be numb. I want to enjoy life, no matter what activities may be involved or not. So I'm starting over once more :) But for now, I'm going to bed.

Have a super, fantastic, great day.
Mandiy

Untitled

So you wanna know how life is. Why it’s just eh?
I don’t go in our bedroom unless I have to get something (like clothes). I put all the pictures of us that are left and all the box stuff I’d gotten for you in your room and the door stays locked. I sleep on the futon, every single night with the TV on (usually Friends. I’ve watched the whole series twice in the past month) until I can fall asleep. I hear my phone and it breaks my heart that it’s not you changing your mind. That useless stuff I bought, I bought a new blanket because I can’t use anything we used together. Our bed has been made up for over a month. I can’t sleep with the dog or the cow for the first time in years. I put up a brand new Christmas tree two days ago. I love the tinsel and the lights but it’s all tainted because I just keep thinking you might be sleeping with someone else on my birthday or on Christmas. I took three weeks off school. Not intentionally but I needed a week break and my next class to take wasn’t offered for a while. I didn’t mind it. I fall more in love with Kisa every day. She stays close to me for once. I talk to anyone and everyone. Not about us. I made some wife friends when you left and I just keep motivating them because it’s the only thing to keep me upbeat. I can’t listen to the same music. It makes me feel sick. I miss Tom DeLonge… I don’t let myself get sad. It hurts too much and leads to feeling sick, too. I stay mad or indifferent. I got two new tattoos and my cartilage is pierced again (3 in the left, 1 in the right). This also makes it difficult to sleep. I tell myself this is better. I’ll be better off. But I don’t always believe it. I’ll never kiss you again. I’ll never hold your hand or lay in bed with you. I wonder where you are all the time. I miss who I wanted you to be. I miss the innocence and being able to trust. My heart is broken. That’s why it’s not going great like yours.

Day something: restless

I swear I feel like I'm on a roller coaster constantly. Every day is the best day and worst day of my life it seems. I know some girls thrive on drama, but unless it's in a movie, I do not like it. And here I am dealing with it anyway. I don't much to say, but I saw this tonight and really liked it:
"After awhile you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning,
and Company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts,
and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman or a man, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile, you learn that even sunshine burns if you ask for too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong, and you really do have worth.
And you learn, and you learn, with every good-bye... you learn"

Have a super, fantastic, great day!

Day Twelve: Motivation

I think one of the biggest struggles in taking care of ourselves is motivation. We change for our health, for other people's approval, but how often do we change for ourselves? This is the best motivation: our own self-esteem, self-worth and happiness. Yet, so often it is the last thing on the list of reasons for change. Somehow feeling better about ourselves is not a good enough motivation? This should not be. I have had several people who know my whole life story telling me I am so strong, that they don't understand how I am handling myself so well. I will repeat that I don't feel strong most of the time, but no one else can make this decision for me. No one can make me take care of myself. No one can make me make changes to make myself happy. I have to do these things for myself. While I am struggling so much of the time, I am starting to feel more like myself again. This is a great feeling. I don't feel like I am forcing myself into a pre-made box to fit expectations that I don't meet. Sometimes it takes being broken to become fixed.
I went to the gym today and it felt amazing. I had a rough end to the work day, but I made myself go anyway. I was meeting a friend and didn't want to let her down, but I also knew coming home and wallowing would not help. So if you want some motivation, just know that you are the only one who can take care of you best. Even when you don't feel like it, "be the change you want to see in your world" until you are able to see the change and feel like being motivated. Happiness is a choice, but no one can make it for you. You are loved and deserve the best of life. So get the best and don't settle.
Have a super, fantastic, great day!
Mandiy

Day Nine: Confession

I don't want to get completely out of the habit of writing here and I also feel like a fraud. People keep telling me I'm handling my "issues" for a lack of better word so well and that I seem so strong. I don't feel this way 90% of the time. I don't go in our bedroom except to put clothes away or get more out. I moved everything from our shower to the guest bath and I sleep on the couch. I took down all the pictures in the living room and broke about half of them. I want to throw up every time I get a new message on facebook or email that I wasn't expecting. I barely eat and I can't sleep. I've gotten two tattoos and two piercings in 3 days and dyed my hair last night. I think that most of this is normal, but it doesn't sound strong to me. I know I'll be fine, and I know I have soooo many people who love me and are there for me, so please don't get me wrong. I just feel dishonest because I put on a strong front to trick even myself most of the day. Just needed to get that out.

I am going to try to have a super, fantastic, great day and I hope you do as well!
Mandiy

Day Six: Apology

I wanted to put up a warning that I am dealing with a lot right now in my life. I don't want to go into it especially in a public forum of all places, but I will not let it be an excuse. I will still be striving to meet my goals, but right now I am unable to keep any food down and thus have no strength to work out. I am hoping to be back on track soon and I will be trying to meet my goal of still blogging as well. But just in case, I wanted to say that I'm sorry in advance.

Have a super fantastic great day!
Mandiy

Day Four: Recipe for Enchiladas

So I am officially beat! I started my day at 5 (about 2 hours earlier than usual) with some breakfast and homework, fixed a lunch and planned some mid-meal foods. Then a short workout with the Wii. Shower and work at 9, got home at 5:30 planning to take a nice long walk with the pup, but had messed up brakes. Turned back around and got brake fluid (thanks to my awesome Mama telling that was what was wrong!) and fixed it (I think) and came back home. Started dinner (today's recipe) and did dishes and started some laundry while it cooked. So here I am a little before 7:30 eating a healthy dinner and writing to whoever is bored enough to read my words! So I am going to just provide this recipe and then get some more homework done, maybe a little TV and then bedtime :)

From "Hungry Girl: 200 under 200" Cookbook
lean bean 'n cheese enchiladas
Nutritional info: Per serving (1 enchilada): 187 calories, 2g fat, 976mg sodium, 29g carbs, 4g fiber, 5g sugars, 12g protein

Ingredients:
2 medium-large corn tortillas (I used small ones)
2/3 cup enchilada sauce
1/3 cup fat-free refried beans
1 slice fat-free cheddar cheese, halved
1/4 cup shredded fat-free cheddar cheese (I just used a second piece of sliced cheese, halved)
1/4 cup chopped onion
1 tbsp taco sauce
1/2 tsp dry taco seasoning mix
Optional toppings: fat-free sour cream, chopped scallions (I put mine on top of lettuce)

Directions:
Preheat oven to 400 degrees
In a pan sprayed with nonstick spray, cook onion over medium heat on the stove until it begins to brown, about 2 minutes. (I hate cooked onions, but love them raw so I skipped this step)
In a small dish, combine onion with refried beans, taco sauce, and taco seasoning until mixed well.
Spray a small baking dish with nonstick spray and set aside.
Heat tortillas in the microwave until slightly warm. Lay tortillas flat and spread about 2 tbsp enchilada sauce onto each one.
Place one half of the cheese slice in the center of each tortilla. Evenly distribute bean mixture in the center of each tortilla.
Wrap tortillas up tightly and place in baking dish, seam sides down. Pour the rest of the enchilada sauce over the enchiladas. Bake in the oven for about 10 minutes (until enchiladas are hot).
Remove dish from oven and sprinkle shredded cheese over enchiladas. Return to the oven and bake for about 5 minutes until cheese has melted.
Enjoy!

I should also mention in this first recipe post, that I am a very picky eater so I don't cover too broad a range of foods, only what I know I'll eat. These were excellent. As I have eaten them while writing this.
Have a super, fantastic, great night!
Mandiy

Day Three: Measurements

This morning's walk was another success. This time I threw in an extra street and an extra 7 minutes or so. Had a little extra stress to relieve. I got back on "My Fitness Pal" to log in my weight (down 3 pounds since the beginning of last week!) and saw that I had put in measurements that I wanted to keep track of. I knew where my measuring tape was so I figured what the heck, why not do my measurements too? Now granted the last input data was dated 7/23/10, but I was still shocked. I was horrible with my eating habits both right before my husband left and have not been great since he left because I have been stress eating. I have lost between .5 and 2 inches off of everything that I was tracking! I have not been doing that much exercise in the past couple days except walking, a set of crunches, push ups (girl kind), and a few arm exercises and still I have progress I can see. I have been eating a lot less, but I still don't feel hungry because I am only putting healthy foods in my body. It looks like this may actually be working so I am re-motivated again today. And, on a side note, the dog has a fit when I put on my tennis shoes now. She runs around the house and barks at me until I put her leash on and head out the door. This has to be a good sign!
Well, it's off to homework yet again.
Have a super, fantastic, great day!
Mandiy

Day Two: My First "Review"

Well, I made it back for the second day of this adventure this time around. I was a little bad last night and had some cereal (chocolate cheerios!), but I was good the whole rest of the day, which included me actually cooking for the first time in a long time!
I had a rough start today after a rough night of not sleeping much. This deployment is now hitting me pretty hard, and I'm starting to realize he's not coming back all that soon (contrary to what he says to ease my mind). But in all my pity-partyness this morning I did manage to get my butt up off the couch and took the dog for our second walk this week. They have only been one mile, 20 minute walks, but right now I just want to work into getting into a routine. This morning's really helped to relieve some stress. I put on some Lost Prophets and just blocked everything out for the full 20 minutes, well until we passed some dogs and I had to focus on dragging Kisa away... Anyway, enough rambling! Onto my first review: Yoplait Smoothies!

I had one of these after my walk both yesterday and today and in short, they are pretty dang good! All you have to do is add milk and throw it in the blender and instant breakfast! (or snack or whatever) I only bought the Triple Berry one, but it's good. I will say to follow the directions exactly though! Yesterday, I added ice because I like really thick smoothies. Well, the blender couldn't handle it so it took a good long while to blend and then tasted gritty due to the ice. Today, I decided not to tweak it and it turned out great! They come two servings to a pouch and I just made half yesterday and put the bag back in the freezer with a rubber band around it and did the other half today. What is even better about these smoothies is that I have a coupon for them! Go here:
http://coupons.allyou.com/couponweb/offers.aspx?pid=14803&nid=10&zid=rd17&cid=0&bid=CCR011Uzkcgfew586121525
Select Yoplait from the list in the sidebar to find it quicker. I was able to print 3 copies of the $1 off before it disappeared. They are currently $3 at Wal-Mart so with this coupon, that makes them a dollar per smoothie. Much less than going out to get one from somewhere. I will add a picture when I find my camera cord. It's somewhere around here.
Ok well off to get some homework done or take a nap, one of those.
Have a super, fantastic, great day!
Mandiy

Let's Try Again...

Well as all of my many many readers can see I have in fact not been on here in a month and a half. Alex has now been gone 5 weeks, and if I'm truly honest, I have not been following "the plan." So I'm starting over. Today is day one. I do feel like I have failed (again), but I'm going back into this head on with a positive attitude. I'm here now, right? So, I guess I will outline my plan for this time around.
1. I am going to keep up with this blog at least 4 times a week (with school, I think I may set myself up for failure if I expect too much more than that, but I will still try for most days).
2. I am doing a "body cleanse" this weekend. As in today and tomorrow. Not one of the fad things where all you drink is maple syrup mixed with lemonade (saw that on "Weeds"), but just a jump start of healthy foods. Hopefully I will be seeing at least a little bit of a difference within the first week so that I can stay motivated.
3. I am going to start walking/jogging with Kisa at least 3 days a week. Weather permitting because I'm not taking her out in scorching heat, and I'm not going out if there's a monsoon. Cold weather is acceptable.
4. I will do some sort of workout in the house, either Wii Active or a video segment at least 3 times a week. And more if I have to miss walking days.
5. I will substitute junk for healthy alternatives (bad sweets for fruit, bad salty cravings with veggies). And I will start cooking with my Hungry Girl cookbook again. (200 foods under 200 calories and some really great recipes in there if I stop being so lazy)
I am ready to have more energy and feel good about myself so I am at least going to be trying. I have lost 5 weeks already but I still have more time than I care to think about. So here goes!
Today is Day 1 and we went for our walk already and had a smoothie for breakfast. So far so good.
Have a super, fantastic, great day!
Mandiy
P.S. Ideas that I will be using and evaluating sometime soon (mostly a reminder for myself): Using the blender, Cooking, Crockpot (maybe), PodRunner podcasts.
P.P.S. And I have renamed this blog (well if I figure it out). If you want to know why, feel free to ask! :)

Set-back

Well, I obviously haven't been on here much recently. I wish I could say that I've been super healthy anyway, but that is not the truth. Alex has been back and forth with being home and I have let myself slide back into bad habits. I am paying attention to what I put in my mouth but I am just watching as I eat the fast food. Alex will be gone again by the end of the month, for the next 9 months :( so I will be starting over then. I am hoping to build up healthy habits while he is away so that eating right and exercising will be normal for me when he gets back. My goal is to lose 70 pounds while he's gone so I will have to get started!

I'll be back within the next 2 weeks, ready to give this another go!
Mandiy

Day 7, 8, and maybe 9

I'm not slacking, but Alex is home so I will post something while he is at work one day. Still being good and lost about 3 pounds! Got a new scale so I'm not using one that changes by 10 pounds a day.
Miss me lots! lol
Mandiy

Day Six: Exercise Confession

Well, so far I've been pretty good about what I eat. I have been paying attention when I know I'm eating more than I probably should. (Just had a rough day yesterday). Anyway, I'm usually not very good at dieting because I give in to ALL my cravings. This time I've been pretty good. I'm also not good about exercising because, well I HATE it. I can be watching tv or listening to music and I still get bored and still am very aware that I am working out. My next goal is to try to be happy that I'm working out. To be aware that I'm doing it and say, hey, I'm working out, I'm awesome. Or something like that. haha. Cutting the grass has been the one thing that I am ok with doing because I'm accomplishing something that I can see the results from immediately. Unfortunately, the grass is wet so I can't do it right now. Any ideas on how to make exercise any more enjoyable? I am so stumped!

But, on a positive note, I started my new job today and it kept me very occupied so I wasn't hungry most of the day. Although I was when I left. But I really like the job and I'm excited about what I'm doing for once. Hooray! Completely off topic, but well if you're reading then you probably have already realized I'm random. :D

Have a wonderful day.
Mandiy

Day Five: Ice Cream!!!

I have an entire paper due at midnight that I haven't started yet so this is going to be a short, copy/pasted post. I found this recipe on my support website and just wanted to share it!

1/2 cup of Skim Milk
1 tbsp sugar
1/4 tsp vanilla extract (I used two lol)

Put all ingredients in a quart size ziplock bag and seal.

In a gallon sized bag add enough ice to fill the gallon bag half way full and 6 Tblsp. of salt. Put quart size bag inside gallon size bag and seal shut. Make sure you have a tight seal so it doesn't leak. Then all you do is shake it!!! Shake for at least 4 minutes or until the ice cream is frozen.

This serves one person. 95 calories per serving! :)
(1/2 cup 1% milk = 43 calories
1 TBSP sugar = 49 calories
1/4 tsp vanilla = 3 calories)

I put peaches in my mine and it was very good. It melted very quickly and wasn't as sweet as normal ice cream, but I knew exactly what was in it.

Have a wonderful night!
Mandiy

Day Four: Boredom

Well I have made it to day four and have been proud of myself for each day. It's sad, but I have never been this good about what I eat and exercise for this long. I always cave on something. Then I consider the whole cause lost and quit. I'm determined that even if I do stumble this time, I will still get back up the next day. Now, onto today's point.

Boredom is my worst enemy. Once I started paying attention to when I am eating and what I want to eat, I realized that most of the time the ONLY reason I eat is that I'm bored so I think about food and think about how badly I just want to taste it. Well I have come up with a few solutions that have worked the past few days.
Water!!!!! Water curbs about 80% of my cravings. I tell myself that if I just drink half the bottle, then I can re-evaluate whether I still need (WANT) food. Most of the time, I don't.

Gum. If I have the urge to chew while I'm doing something else, homework, watching tv, whatever, I try gum first. I have a love of gum anyway, but usually that will do the trick. I chew sugarless so that I'm not putting any extra useless calories into my body.

Stay really busy. If I am still craving something after those two things, but can tell I'm not genuinely hungry, I do something that occupies my mind and my time. I do the dishes, laundry, vacuum, organize something, anything that I'm not sitting still for. I tell myself I'll re-evaluate after I finish such and such. Usually I forget about the craving.

I eat every three hours or so. I plan out my meals (well Smart Ones from Weight Watchers plans most) so that I have room left for healthy snacks throughout the day. If I crave something salty, I have crackers, if it's something sweet, I have low-fat yogurt or pudding. (Speaking of this I need to make some jell-o...) I have divided my low fat cheeze-its out into baggies so I know that I am only eating a serving, no more. (I did the same with my cereal so I don't over pour in the mornings. It was a pain, but it's been easier to keep track of now). Eating this often, I can tell myself I only have another 30 minutes or so and usually I am able to distract myself til past the time that I have marked for myself.

Late night cravings, I go to bed. I know I shouldn't eat after 8 so I've tried hard not to. The first night I did have yogurt at maybe 9, but otherwise I've been good. I finish what I need to and go to bed so I am not thinking about the food. This also gets me to bed earlier than the 3 am type hours I had been keeping. Now I have been asleep by midnight, with the exception of last night. I get up between 6:30 and 7:30 even if I don't have anything specific to do. I don't take super long naps so I am actually ready to go to bed by the time I should be.

I think I will cure a lot of my boredom once I start working this week, but these have worked so far for while I am at home. I know this will be worth it and I can already see a change in myself (not physically but in my attitude). Just because no one sees me eat it, doesn't mean it doesn't count. I am still finding inspiration and motivation with that website so here's to a great day 5 tomorrow!

"No one ever drowned in sweat."
Mandiy

Day Three: Success

Today was a success even though it was a struggle. I had to go shopping for work clothes and I hate shopping for a reason. Nothing ever fits right, even when it's the "right" size. I am using this as motivation to keep up my work instead of letting it get me down and eating for emotional reasons. I can't wait til I can blow Alex away with how great I will look with my new look. My end goal is to look amazing by the time he gets back from this coming deployment. I have mini-goals along the way to keep me focused, though. Really bummed that my bra's underwire broke today so it looks like I have to buy a new one before I lose weight instead of waiting like I wanted to. It's very late so I will come up with a better post tomorrow (well today by now). I just don't want to miss a day of this either. I want to form good habits, like sticking to what I start.
Main point though: I am already feeling a shift in attitude because I have had a stressful, emotional day today and a week ago, I would have eaten junk to help me feel better, but today I realized that eating will only make me feel worse in the end.

"Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels."

Mandiy

Day Two: I heart My Fitness Pal

So, I am actually writing for the second day in a row. I'm so proud of myself :) Day one of this weight loss journey was a success! I was given a website: myfitnesspal.com and it is wonderful! You put in your weight and weight goals and such and then it helps you plan meals, plan exercise and you put in what you actually eat/do. You meet people who are there to encourage you and support you. It's where I got the ticker to the right of this, too. I woke up excited to continue with this plan, which is a huge deal since I usually lose motivation very quickly. I set My Fitness Pal as one of my home pages so I that I will actually see it every morning and hopefully it will give me a kick in the butt to keep it up. I'm a dork and like to be able to say that I ate something healthy/did this specific exercise so I'm doing what I should so that I can honestly say that I did. If you add friends, they can see your food diary, so it's a motivation not to eat a ton of junk. It also tells you how many calories you have left if you want to keep up a weight goal. It's very helpful to know if I have the calories left for that yogurt after dinner or if I wasted them. I also like that I have a ticker so that when I weigh in, I can watch the number change. I'm still so excited for this and I'm sorry it's all over the place. I'm hoping to have a more organized feel after this. I have a lot more energy since I'm not crashing after eating chocolate for breakfast or from too much sugar and caffeine in the tea. It's too hot to take the dog for a walk or to cut the grass right now so I'm trying to think of something to do in the house. I guess I could do a workout video. Maybe. That just still feels like I'm exercising and the others don't. And, on a side note (although this entire post has been sporadic), my scale says I've lost 10 pounds since yesterday morning. I think my first reward, after I stick with this for the first month, will be a brand new digital scale that's accurate. We have an analog one and if I'm going to do this right, I want to do it accurately.

Anyway, that's my random, jumbled mess of words for today!

Mandiy

My New Project: Weight-loss

Well, I definitely did not keep up my blog after getting situated in the new house like I had hoped. Honestly, I haven't even been busy enough to have a good excuse. I have finally started classes back, online, at Ashford University and I love them so far. I'm on my 3rd and 4th class and hope to graduate within a year from now! Only about a year after I should have been done, which isn't so bad considering how much time I took off. I had a job, but lost it and actually don't mind not being there anymore since I hated it, but I'm hoping to find something else REALLY soon because I need the money and hate not working. All of this is completely irrelevant to what I wanted to say, today, though.

My newest plan for my life is to actually get into shape. I have been overweight for at least 2 years now and have done nothing but gain. I am sick of the way that I feel about myself, and I am hoping that if I am writing about my journey on here, maybe I will finally stick to a plan. Maybe I will actually feel accountable to someone other than myself, even if no one is really reading this. I'm not quite sure how I want to do this on here, but my idea is to hopefully give an update on how I've done each week. (It would be really boring if I did it every day I'm sure) Throughout the week, I'm hoping to find articles about weight loss that I can post. If I am going to post it, I should probably read it first and then maybe I'll actually pay attention to what I could be doing better. I've already got a few plans to help me along the way so as I find out what works (and doesn't) for me and hopefully find out why, I hope to write about that as well. I know I have a long way to go so here's to the first day and to my not-so-secret plan anymore!

Mandiy

P.S. If anyone actually is reading what I write and has suggestions, articles, etc please feel free to share them!!

SO STOKED: and I usually don't use that word

I am so unbelievably excited! Alex got to go to IPAC first thing this morning and is holding the paper that we need to be able to get our keys in his hand right this very minute. He has one more class (about an hour and a half long) and then he'll be bringing me the paper and I'll be picking up the keys to our house!!! We stopped by there yesterday just to look again, and it made me even more excited, which I didn't think was possible! We will have to board up a small section of the fence by the gate. Any ideas on that? We are thinking just putting up a big piece of plywood or something because the bottom of the gate is broken and there is also a place where the gate doesn't meet the neighbors' fence. Kisa is an escape artist and I'd be very upset if I lost my dog. The yard is huge though so I can't wait for her to have somewhere to just run around! I'm setting up the water in a few minutes and hopefully we will have internet within the next couple days after I call Time Warner. I'm just about to check out of the hotel where I have internet so this MIGHT be the last I get on for a while. I'm sure all of my 11 followers will miss me. lol. Who knows, though, I may find a way on. Anyway, I hope that I am able to accomplish some of my goals once we get settled! I will post them at some point so that I feel that I am being held accountable, if only in my mind. Anyway, Have a super fantastic great day!

Stuck in a Rut

I tried really hard not to get on here and write because I knew that after I did, I wouldn't have much else to keep me busy until Thursday when we leave here. I feel now that since there's only one more day left, I will probably be alright.
Lately I have really felt like I'm stuck in a rut. Recently, I haven't had much to do that's been productive. After finding the house, I had nothing to look up, except how to set up our utilities and that took maybe an hour total. The room we are staying in at Alex's dad takes me about 10 minutes to clean and then all I can find to do is either read or get online to read blogs/the yuku board. I signed up for the trial class for UMUC and I'm really enjoying it so far. It's day 3 today so that has kept me a little busier the past couple of days. Though, it's really just information about how the school works so I don't feel like I'm actually learning. After we get up to the new place, I'll be able to fill out the FAFSA since hopefully I'll be able to find our tax information at that point. I've been looking for a job, if anyone knows of any in Jacksonville. I applied for a position as a librarian and I am REALLY hoping that I get it. I feel that it'd be the perfect job for me. All day spent with books, life wouldn't get any better than that!!!
I'm very grateful for having a place to stay, but I'm so tired of being in someone else's house and having all of our stuff in boxes in storage. I miss cooking and even cleaning a little bit. I miss being able to do laundry on a regular basis and vacuuming. I'm sure after I'm doing all of this again, I will wish I'd never said this but for now, I just want my normal duties back. While having nothing else to do, I have set a lot of goals for myself for when we get up to NC. I feel like it's going to be a whole new life to start and I'm just so ready to get it started!

Attitude Makeover

Well, I was planning to write the past few days but a couple days ago, I sliced my finger open on the back blade of hubby's stupid razor. That's what I get for cleaning up the bathroom I guess. Now that it's finally healed enough for me to hit the e and d buttons, I can write again! Ok so here is what I would have written a few days ago since I'm sure there are tons of people on the edge of their seats.
I went to see my mom a few days ago and after talking for a little while, we decided that if I'm going to be trying to get a more professional job when we get to NC, I probably needed a haircut to look a little more professional. She also did my makeup for me. After she finished, I went to get my first haircut in almost 2 years. They washed my hair and it felt amazing, then the lady listened to me very well and left most of the length for me. My mom could barely tell and Alex didn't notice for several hours but it does look much healthier and feels much lighter to me. It was actually probably a good 3 inches off, which it needed and it feels much better now.
I went back home and showed my mom and felt really good on my way back to Alex's dad's house where we have been staying. I turned the music up really loud and let the windows down since it was such a nice day. I was feeling great as I got off the interstate. At the end of the ramp, I saw someone cross the street. Then I pulled up to the light and a man with an army hat and a sign reading "Homeless. Will work for food." walked up to my door and saluted me, probably due to all of the Marine Corps stickers on my car. It broke my heart. I realize that, often, these can be scams but what about the people who are just down on their luck? What about the guys who really did serve their country and this is how they have been repaid? I've been cautioned not to give homeless people money because you aren't sure that they will use it for food, I didn't have any cash, and I don't have any work to give to people. But I did want to help so I drove down to Burger King and brought back 5 double cheeseburgers and a couple water bottles. But he was gone. I went searching up and down the road but could not find him. It may sound crazy but I believe sometimes angels are sent in disguise to remind us of some of our values that we lose sight of. It's so easy to get caught up in our problems that we don't see how much worse it could be and we forget that each person we meet is fighting their own battle. We assume that every homeless person is doing drugs or a drunk when maybe we should be giving the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they were laid off in this rough economy, maybe they've been through some tragedy. So many times, we are calloused, when all people need is a little compassion. So I am adding this to my list. As I work on getting my new life started in Jacksonville, I will attempt to find ways to show a little more kindness to strangers. If all the world did it, it couldn't do anything but help, right? Have a super fantastic great day!

House Hunting - OVER

We found a place on our first trip down there. It's on Hunting Green Drive in the Deerfield subdivision so we will actually be in a neighborhood. It has about half an acre fenced in for a backyard so that Kisa will have lots of room to run around. We are only allowed one dog (and have to figure out something to do with the cat), but still excited about finding somewhere. Super happy that it's a house instead of an apartment or even a townhouse. We move in March 12 so as soon as we move up there, I will be taking and posting lots of pictures. I'm really looking forward to starting over kind of. I've applied for new jobs and will be trying out new - healthy - recipes, keeping everything in order and clean, making new friends in the same town as myself, starting hobbies and working on continuing training with my wonderful little girl. I can't wait to see what life holds in store for me since right now I feel stuck in a rut and don't have much to occupy my time save reading. If anyone ever reads this, feel free to give book suggestions! Have a super fantastic great day!

House Hunting in J-Ville Day 1

Well in about 2 more hours, the wonderful hubby and I will be heading on our 4 hour journey for our first day of looking around Jacksonville, NC to find somewhere to live. I'm so anxious that I haven't slept much at all, hence the creation of a blog. I spent most of yesterday calling around looking for anything that will take our dog. You would think that it would be fairly easy to find somewhere for a 35 lb dog, but not so in this lovely town. After calling 34 apartment complexes and 13 other properties, we finally found 2 houses that can take her. Hopefully one of them will also let us get a second dog in case we decide to get Nanook/Nanna in the near future. We will also be driving through neighborhoods looking for random places that may let us rent and keep our baby girl. I mean, what's not to love about this gorgeous canine? Cross your fingers please that we only have to go hunting once. This is much too stressful to do over and over, especially when it seems that nothing new is opening up in our timeframe anymore. Geez I have so much nervous energy!! I'm entirely too excited about this but I'm sure I won't be as soon as we get in the car and start in on this awful drive. Ok, I think this rambling is plenty for a first blog entry. I feel a little better now! Have a super fantastic great day!