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So you wanna know how life is. Why it’s just eh?
I don’t go in our bedroom unless I have to get something (like clothes). I put all the pictures of us that are left and all the box stuff I’d gotten for you in your room and the door stays locked. I sleep on the futon, every single night with the TV on (usually Friends. I’ve watched the whole series twice in the past month) until I can fall asleep. I hear my phone and it breaks my heart that it’s not you changing your mind. That useless stuff I bought, I bought a new blanket because I can’t use anything we used together. Our bed has been made up for over a month. I can’t sleep with the dog or the cow for the first time in years. I put up a brand new Christmas tree two days ago. I love the tinsel and the lights but it’s all tainted because I just keep thinking you might be sleeping with someone else on my birthday or on Christmas. I took three weeks off school. Not intentionally but I needed a week break and my next class to take wasn’t offered for a while. I didn’t mind it. I fall more in love with Kisa every day. She stays close to me for once. I talk to anyone and everyone. Not about us. I made some wife friends when you left and I just keep motivating them because it’s the only thing to keep me upbeat. I can’t listen to the same music. It makes me feel sick. I miss Tom DeLonge… I don’t let myself get sad. It hurts too much and leads to feeling sick, too. I stay mad or indifferent. I got two new tattoos and my cartilage is pierced again (3 in the left, 1 in the right). This also makes it difficult to sleep. I tell myself this is better. I’ll be better off. But I don’t always believe it. I’ll never kiss you again. I’ll never hold your hand or lay in bed with you. I wonder where you are all the time. I miss who I wanted you to be. I miss the innocence and being able to trust. My heart is broken. That’s why it’s not going great like yours.