Untitled for now

I am the gentler sex with more wrath than you ever hope to know.
I have no idea what I want but know that I want it all.
I want you to rescue me but know that I could handle it myself.
I want the door opened for me as we head to the same job.
I want you to help me fix my car but tell me how to do it myself for the next time when you’re not around.
I want you to hold me when I cry but still see me as the strong persona I hide behind.
I want love but don’t want the risks,
To be valued without being objectified.
I want you to read my mind while I stay mysterious.
I want you to know my secrets from just a look and I want to know yours without needing to ask all the questions.
To be close to you but still have my space.
I want to be perfect in your mind but when I fall, for you to catch me set me upright again and still see me as perfect.
I want to be able to talk and talk and talk and to be able to sit in silence without being questioned.
I want you to want to know everything without interrogating.
I want to be heard without saying a word.

Could not ask for more.

Well, it's been about 3 weeks again... I wish I could say I won't make excuses, but I'm about to. I have been so caught up in moving forward that I didn't write about it. But tonight, I just need to get it out somewhere. I started a new poem that will probably never be seen after reading some truly amazing work by a friend. But here is my revelation for today: I feel like I have been given a gift, a second chance. As I stayed in my sweats today with a t-shirt stained by hair dye (it looks a little like blood I'll admit) and my hair all a mess, I realized it just didn't matter. I didn't want to fix a real dinner so I had Cheez-its. Not healthy, but it was just me and I didn't have to worry about it. I have people who love me so unbelievably much no matter what. I have found unconditional acceptance and love, which granted I had all along, but I just didn't see all the blessings I've been surrounded with. I still have my moments but I just feel light hearted I guess is the word? I found an apartment and will be moving into it next weekend so I'm busy packing. My house is in complete disarray. My mind is all over the place with school and work and sorting out the details of moving. But I just have peace. The quiet of my house is something I treasure and I cannot wait to move into my very own place all by myself. Of course, I'll have help and I must thank my awesome Grandmama for co-signing, but I am doing this for myself. I have people who are proud of me and who tell me daily that they love me. I think going home for Thanksgiving was a wake-up call. I was much more relaxed and at ease than I've been in so long. It just felt right. Life gets so complicated sometimes and I just forgot to take a second to breathe and see all the wonderful gifts I've been given. There is so much beauty and joy in my life and it's been here all along but I have been so caught up in negativity that I couldn't let myself take it in. What a big mess this all is and I'm sure no one will want to read it but all I really want to say is that I am blessed and I am finally realizing the magnitude of the opportunities and wonderful gifts I have been given.

I hope that everyone has a super, fantastic, great day.
Mandiy

I Got a Brand New Attitude and I'm Wearin It Tonight

"It's not how many times you fall down, but how many times you get back up."
Well, life knocked me on my you know what again. But, here I am, back up on my feet once more. But really all life is is the ups and downs. The plateaus are no better than the valleys or the peaks. I am renewing my determination once more. I got my hair done how I've wanted for a while now and feel the changes working their way through me. My foot is healing so I will be exercising again (it was never a valid excuse). The weather is gorgeous so I will just have to take the dog walking in the mornings before work. Or walk on days I don't work (which is so many at this point)and find inside exercises on the days I do. I have let myself slide into not a depression, but rather a numb state. I don't want to be numb. I want to enjoy life, no matter what activities may be involved or not. So I'm starting over once more :) But for now, I'm going to bed.

Have a super, fantastic, great day.
Mandiy

Untitled

So you wanna know how life is. Why it’s just eh?
I don’t go in our bedroom unless I have to get something (like clothes). I put all the pictures of us that are left and all the box stuff I’d gotten for you in your room and the door stays locked. I sleep on the futon, every single night with the TV on (usually Friends. I’ve watched the whole series twice in the past month) until I can fall asleep. I hear my phone and it breaks my heart that it’s not you changing your mind. That useless stuff I bought, I bought a new blanket because I can’t use anything we used together. Our bed has been made up for over a month. I can’t sleep with the dog or the cow for the first time in years. I put up a brand new Christmas tree two days ago. I love the tinsel and the lights but it’s all tainted because I just keep thinking you might be sleeping with someone else on my birthday or on Christmas. I took three weeks off school. Not intentionally but I needed a week break and my next class to take wasn’t offered for a while. I didn’t mind it. I fall more in love with Kisa every day. She stays close to me for once. I talk to anyone and everyone. Not about us. I made some wife friends when you left and I just keep motivating them because it’s the only thing to keep me upbeat. I can’t listen to the same music. It makes me feel sick. I miss Tom DeLonge… I don’t let myself get sad. It hurts too much and leads to feeling sick, too. I stay mad or indifferent. I got two new tattoos and my cartilage is pierced again (3 in the left, 1 in the right). This also makes it difficult to sleep. I tell myself this is better. I’ll be better off. But I don’t always believe it. I’ll never kiss you again. I’ll never hold your hand or lay in bed with you. I wonder where you are all the time. I miss who I wanted you to be. I miss the innocence and being able to trust. My heart is broken. That’s why it’s not going great like yours.

Day something: restless

I swear I feel like I'm on a roller coaster constantly. Every day is the best day and worst day of my life it seems. I know some girls thrive on drama, but unless it's in a movie, I do not like it. And here I am dealing with it anyway. I don't much to say, but I saw this tonight and really liked it:
"After awhile you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning,
and Company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts,
and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman or a man, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile, you learn that even sunshine burns if you ask for too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong, and you really do have worth.
And you learn, and you learn, with every good-bye... you learn"

Have a super, fantastic, great day!

Day Twelve: Motivation

I think one of the biggest struggles in taking care of ourselves is motivation. We change for our health, for other people's approval, but how often do we change for ourselves? This is the best motivation: our own self-esteem, self-worth and happiness. Yet, so often it is the last thing on the list of reasons for change. Somehow feeling better about ourselves is not a good enough motivation? This should not be. I have had several people who know my whole life story telling me I am so strong, that they don't understand how I am handling myself so well. I will repeat that I don't feel strong most of the time, but no one else can make this decision for me. No one can make me take care of myself. No one can make me make changes to make myself happy. I have to do these things for myself. While I am struggling so much of the time, I am starting to feel more like myself again. This is a great feeling. I don't feel like I am forcing myself into a pre-made box to fit expectations that I don't meet. Sometimes it takes being broken to become fixed.
I went to the gym today and it felt amazing. I had a rough end to the work day, but I made myself go anyway. I was meeting a friend and didn't want to let her down, but I also knew coming home and wallowing would not help. So if you want some motivation, just know that you are the only one who can take care of you best. Even when you don't feel like it, "be the change you want to see in your world" until you are able to see the change and feel like being motivated. Happiness is a choice, but no one can make it for you. You are loved and deserve the best of life. So get the best and don't settle.
Have a super, fantastic, great day!
Mandiy

Day Nine: Confession

I don't want to get completely out of the habit of writing here and I also feel like a fraud. People keep telling me I'm handling my "issues" for a lack of better word so well and that I seem so strong. I don't feel this way 90% of the time. I don't go in our bedroom except to put clothes away or get more out. I moved everything from our shower to the guest bath and I sleep on the couch. I took down all the pictures in the living room and broke about half of them. I want to throw up every time I get a new message on facebook or email that I wasn't expecting. I barely eat and I can't sleep. I've gotten two tattoos and two piercings in 3 days and dyed my hair last night. I think that most of this is normal, but it doesn't sound strong to me. I know I'll be fine, and I know I have soooo many people who love me and are there for me, so please don't get me wrong. I just feel dishonest because I put on a strong front to trick even myself most of the day. Just needed to get that out.

I am going to try to have a super, fantastic, great day and I hope you do as well!
Mandiy